2009 has been a bad year for cleaning, but I’ve learned a lot about it.
It all began in May when my friend and I were forced to clean the house that I privately refer to as “Graceland.” We’d spent the better part of a year partying in Graceland, from about June ’08 until May ’09. As days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months, that place started to resemble anything but paradise. It had been cleaned before, but the clutter always accumulated faster than it could be managed, and the place generally resembled its former landfill-like state in less than a week’s time.
Graceland was the quintessential punk rock house, without the punk rock. Broken windows and whiskey bottles, hundreds of empty beers, dozens of busted strings and drum sticks, rotten burritos, empty pizza boxes, salsa verde soaked into the carpet, an assortment of cigarette butts on the basement floor, and the grubby basement sink we affectionately referred to as “the downstairs bathroom.” At first it hurt every part of my soul to be around that kind of mess, but by the end of the year it started to grow on me.
My favorite thing about Graceland was that after four months of practically living in the basement there, the landlords brought it to everyone’s attention that there was a mold growing down there that we would be wise to avoid prolonged exposure to. This did not stop us from holding nightly band practices, which typically devolved into dart games and drunken shouting matches after about 30 minutes.
As one could reasonably expect, that lifestyle took a toll on everyone who frequented the house, and by the end of the year all but a few had left Eugene as consequence of various Graceland related problems. The surviving members of the house became Kings of the Trash Heap, and we were left to our own devices. As the lease was running up we were also stuck with the unenviable task of cleaning up the big fucking mess we all made.
Although I was not on the lease, that ecosystem of squalor was my sanctuary from the real world. I did my part to help it thrive, and thus I was obligated to help restore it to it’s original form. It took almost an entire week, but we persevered through it with a simple mantra. “Never forget.”
Having a mantra like, “Never forget,” is fundamentally problematic because you will invariably forget that mantra and you will look like a fucking idiot when you do. Unfortunately, I am a fucking idiot. However, this time the mess I was faced with was nowhere near as catastrophic as Graceland. This was a simple one man show that just went on for too long. There was no structural damage. No salsa or rotten food. No cigarettes. Just guitar strings, paper waste, and recycling of the cardboard, glass, and aluminum varieties. Honestly, most of the clutter in my place was just “To Do” lists with notes like, “Clean up your apartment,” “Throw out other lists,” and “If nothing else, just throw out this list.”
The mess was never supposed to be an issue for me. I had been living with it for months and I was ready to clean it as soon as I had some free time. Winter break is only 3 days away now, and I had every intention of giving myself a week during vacation to tidy things up one day at a time. Unfortunately this plan was foiled last Friday when I received a “24 Hour Notice to Enter” form from my landlord.
I’m grateful that he was nice enough to:
1) Give me notice.
2) Give me much more notice than the title of the form actually indicated.
Nevertheless, his timing was most inconvenient. I had high hopes to work on projects all through the weekend, but instead I was forced to spend my time cleaning. While I cleaned this mess, I took intermittent Twitter breaks to keep the world updated on my progress, and I’ve included them here in chronological order.
11:31 AM Dec 6th from web Never Forget Part II: I deemed my own apartment uninhabitable one day before I received a notice to enter from my landlord. Cleaning ensues.
11:48 AM Dec 6th from web Viciously sliced my hand on a chili can that was hiding under some garbage. There is a lot more bleeding than I expected for this endeavor.
11:58 AM Dec 6th from web Found the motherlode of chili cans. How many stitches will I require if I cut my hand on every can, and is it cheaper than being evicted?
12:01 PM Dec 6th from web So far my toilet paper and duct tape tourniquet is holding up very well.
12:13 PM Dec 6th from web Now that the bleeding has stopped I deem this cut totally stitch worthy. I will either do this on my own later or ignore it completely.
12:21 PM Dec 6th from web While clumsily Google searching “tetanus” I accidentally typed “yeanus.” This yielded 796 results. The internet amazes me.
12:26 PM Dec 6th from web Can’t remember when I got the shot, but I’m only allergic to two of the antibiotics used to treat tetanus, so I continue cleaning as planned
12:27 PM Dec 6th from web The upside is that they also prescribe muscle relaxers and sedatives. The downside is that I show most symptoms of tetanus every day.
1:14 PM Dec 6th from web I can see the floor again, I am making headway on Project Quarantine.
1:32 PM Dec 6th from web Hour 2: Sweating and irritability set in. This is either the result of my potentially tetanus inflicting wound, or a result of cleaning.
1:44 PM Dec 6th from web I can already feel my quality of life improving. I should have done this months ago. I’m thinking I could have a Christmas party here.
7:22 PM Dec 6th from web Bing Crosby Christmas jams + dishes. This cleaning thing really became an all day ordeal. Bathroom is up next.
9:50 PM Dec 6th from web Finished, now I just need to find a place to ditch these huge bags of trash. I may be coming to an unlocked fraternity dumpster near you.
It’s all over now and everything is fine. The inspection went marvelously and I’ve been cleaning my finger wound regularly and treating it to prevent infection. My landlord was pleased as punch to see my place looking so tidy and my hand doesn’t show any signs of rotting off.
From all the cleaning I’ve done this year I’ve learned a few important lessons:
1) Deal with perishable trash before it perishes and you will be rewarded when it comes time to clean.
2) Don’t bother making plans more than 4 hours in advance because they will change, and you don’t want to be disappointed.
3) Do not reach into bags you can’t see through, you may have put sharp things inside.
4) Lacerations aren’t necessarily a big deal. Pressure. Elevate. Wait it out. It’s bad enough to bleed, but to have some money grubbing ER doctor suck you dry for a couple of unnecessary stitches is just adding insult to minor injury.
5) Never forget. Never forget. Never forget.
